| Sunrise Funnies |
| These Funnies have been submitted by readers of this page and have not been screened for language content or politically correctness. We will try to only post those funnies that in our opinion will not offend anyone. Please help by submitting your favorite joke to funnies@lucernevalley.net . New submissions are on top. |
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Math 1950-2007 Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Teaching Math In 1950 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. Teaching Math In 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. Teaching Math In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. Teaching Math In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. Teaching Math In 1990 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. ) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. Teaching Math In 2007 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho? |
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It's Hell Getting Old....... . . An 80-year old man goes for a
physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes off. " WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Helen," he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! the light goes off?
Oh my God!" Helen exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again! |
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Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job." Mujibar said, "I am ready." The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready." The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'" Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him. |
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop." |
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Birds and the Bees (Modern Version) Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!" |
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CAKE OR BED A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? |
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Once there was a little
boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the
little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter
and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek
and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree." |
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At school, a boy was told by a classmate
that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this
makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole
truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug." |
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A Little Humor A Father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike. "Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!" "I earned it hiking," replied the boy. "Hiking??? Come on son, tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?" "It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr Johnson from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike" |
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A woman walks into her
accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "what is your occupation?" "I'm a whore," she says. The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl? "Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year." He replies: "Good enough." |
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A small boy was lost
at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits." |
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When a woman wears leather
clothing, .........
A man's heart beats quicker,
His throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think
irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
<
< < <
Because she smells like a new
truck.
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful
young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was
waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she
became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to
the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends." |
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Are you tired of
hearing your spouse say: |
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Of course this does not apply to you and me, BUT you may want to pass this on to other people to warn them. Liquor Manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.
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European
Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the
official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British
Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement
and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as
"Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" w ith "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to za pepl. |
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A married couple
in their early 60s, were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary
in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will give you each a wish." "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! - two tickets for the QE2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: Well this is all very romantic - but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime...so.. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". The wife - and the fairy - were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - The husband became 92 years old. You see... Men might be bastards.... But fairies are......female |
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She spent the first day packing her
belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and
collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time
at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the all of
the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and
left. |
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A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out
making
her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was
a gas
station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a
can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a
fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life." |
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Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!
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A lawyer
runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense... Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?" |
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Second Honeymoon.........
O.K., Honey!
You can come out now!
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| *Apples and Wine Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. * *Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. * *Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. * *The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. * *They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. * *Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!
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| Two friends are walking in the jungle.
Suddenly, a tiger appears in the distance running toward them. One friend pulls a pair of
Nikes out of his bag and quickly puts them on. With a surprised look, the other friend
says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?" "I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you!" |
| In most of the northern states, there is
a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop
in the single digits or below. One morning in March of 2004 about 3 AM a Minnesota State Police Officer responded to a call of a car off the shoulder on the outside of the town of Gray Eagle. The officer located the car, with the engine still running, stuck in deep snow alongside the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, the officer walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat beside him. The officer tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the State Policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 MPH but is was still stuck in the snow. The policeman, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds when the patrolman yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over!" This man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the patrolman's special training and just how can he possibly run 50 MPH. The man from Gray Eagle was arrested still believing that a state policeman had outrun his car. |
| IDIOTS AT
WORK I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. |
| IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. |
| IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. |
| IDIOT SIGHTINGS Idiot Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." Idiot Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" Idiot Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Idiot Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Idiot Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man, "I already got that side." |
| An old Italian Mafia Don was dying and he
called his grandson to his bedside. "Grandson I wanna you lisina to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead." "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say "TIMESA UP? " |
| Wanting to surprise her
husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair." |
| Yo' mama so fat, her doctor said she had a flesh-eating disease and told her she had 13 years to live! |
| Three Men at Heaven's Gate There were three gentlemen waiting at the pearly gates. St. Peter comes out and says, "I've got some disappointing news for two of you. We are having some problems in our admissions area. I can only let one of you come into heaven today. I can get the other two tomorrow, but only one today." St. Peter continued to explain, "The person who can tell the best story how they died will be the one who comes in to heaven today." The gentlemen thought this was fair. The first man stood up to St. Peter and began: "I knew my wife was cheating on me, I rushed home from work, flew open the door and there she was, lying on the couch, naked. I knew I caught her! I ran all through the apartment. Upstairs, downstairs, under the bed, in the closets, NOTHING! I was just about to apologize to her when I heard a SCRATCH, SCRATCH, SCRATCH at the window. I opened the window and there he was, hanging from the windowsill. I grabbed a skillet and banged him on the head. I watched him fall down down down, but he landed in some bushes. I was still flaming with adrenaline! I edged our refrigerator over to the window and it was just about to fall when I noticed my coat was hooked to the frige. So down I fall to my death." St. Peter couldn't help but be shocked! He said, "That was a great story! You are sure to be the winner today." The next man steps up and says, "Well, I was a window washerman. I was doing my job one afternoon when all of a sudden the ropes broke and I'm falling to my death. I had my arms raised up to God praying to catch me. At one moment my hands caught a window ledge, I was SAVED!! I was giving my thanks and trying to get the people inside to open the window by scratching at the window when all of a sudden a crazy man opened the window and beaned me with a skillet. Once again I was falling to my death. But once again, I was being watched. I fell into a nice group of bushes. As I opened my eyes to thank God, a refrigerator was screaming down at me. That is my story." St. Peter was stunned. He looked at the last man and said, "You better have a good story, because the last man had a doozy!" The last man smiled and said, "OK, picture this, Naked, hiding in a refrigerator...." |
| Farmer Joe decided his injuries
from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer
Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the
lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?" |
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE True Story From the Meridian, Mississippi Star George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the Police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" George said "no." Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that no one was available at this time, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when one became available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and then phoned the Police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, 2 Armed Response units, a Helicopter and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. The police caught the burglars red handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available?"
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| This is the 2003 version of "Who's
on first?" ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommended something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. ABBOTT: Office for Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?" ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue 1. COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W? ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!" ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one? ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? ABBOTT: Just one copy. COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal? ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money? ABBOTT: Why not? They own it. COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: You sell money? ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free. COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting? ABBOTT: Simply Accounting. COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated. ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business. COSTELLO: I beg your pardon? ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money. ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more. COSTELLO: More money? ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything. COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself? ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack. COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal. ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word--the Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in. Oh, never mind. ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? |
| A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined
his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place
in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is
watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses." "The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus." contributed by Johanna de Vos |
| A sports reporter for the Sun-Times is walking
through Grant Park when he notices two boys playing football. Out of nowhere, a pit bull
attacks one of the boys and begins mauling him. The other boy, having no choice, finds a
large branch and clubs the dog over the head with it, killing the dog. The shocked
reporter rushes over to the two boys, and after finding out they were all right, offers to
write a story about the heroic little boy. Since the reporter is a sports reporter, he decides to give his headline a sports slant: Young Chicago Bears Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal The little boy looks at the headline and says, "Sorry mister, but I'm not a Bears fan." The reporter stops writing and says, "Oh, well since you were playing football and we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were a Bears fan". And so the reporter begins a new headline: Little Minnesota Vikings Fan Fends Off Mad Dog Attack The little boy looks at the headline and shakes his head. "I'm not a Vikings fan either, mister" says the boy. The reporter erases his headline again and says, "Gee, I thought every kid in the Midwest was either a Bears or Vikings fan. To save time, why don't you just tell me what team you do root for." The little boy smiles and says, "I'm a Green Bay Packers fan." The reporter nods and begins his final headline: Little Cheesehead Bastard Murders Beloved Family Pet contributed by Larry Gott |
| My name is Jack. Driving
to my office this morning on |
| In Arkansas, a guy sees a
sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do none of that shit" contributed by Johanna de Vos |
| PROVERBS *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fart in church sit in own pew. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* |
| And you think your job stinks .... |
| There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. |
| New Anti-virus Device Available Locally |
| A cowboy at a bar in Gallup, NM orders three mugs
of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes
them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "I have two brothers. One is in Flagstaff, the other in Farmington. I'm in Gallup. When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender tells him it is a nice custom. The cowboy becomes a regular, and always orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "We don't want to intrude on your grief, but we wanted to offer our condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though." |
| POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. Forward this on to all the moms you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated. Forward to the Dads to show them how it is. EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER: Dads encouraged to apply. |
| BIN LADEN'S WISH While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything," barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you !" The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and on top of all that, he had no health insurance! Allah is good! |
| A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his
new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,
"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the
last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train,
cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." contributed by Johanna de Vos |
| Halloween Flashers contributed by Johanna de Vos |
| Here is what can happen after the halloween party. contributed by Johanna de Vos |
| Subject: Stella awards Can anyone recommend a good lawyer? Here's what we've all been waiting for....a good laugh (or cry, depending) on our legal brethren. The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. Except, we end up paying for these jerks... Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled hot coffee on herself and sued McDonalds. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U. S. The following are this year's candidates: 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little bastard was Ms. Robertson's son. 2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. 3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars. 4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. And the WINNER is: Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded a whopping $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the basis of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles) You can't make this stuff up . . . contributed by Johanna de Vos |
| After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant
user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance... Technician: Hello. How can I help you today? Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer... Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply... Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files... Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it... Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command... For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded... Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem... Customer: I knew it! Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.COM' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes... About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer... Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking... Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using? Customer: MS-DOS 6.22... Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out... When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again... Customer: I need a new power supply... Technician: How did you come to that conclusion? Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply... Technician: What did he tell you? Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE... contributed by Sandra Long |
| After ten years of marriage ,they got a divorce .
She won custody of their young son and three hundred dollars a month in child support. At
the first of each month, she sent the boy to his father's apartment to pick up the money,
and each month the check was waiting , always good and always on time. On his eighteenth birthday, the son went once again to his father's apartment, but this time as he was handed the check he was told, "When you give this to your mother , tell her it's the very last check I'm going to send her, and watch the expression on her face". Returning home the son told his mother, " I'm supposed to watch the expression on your face when I tell you this is the last check there is". "Oh, is that right? I want you to go right back over there and watch the expression on his face when you tell him he's not your Father |
| A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her
husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from MetroWest Pest Control," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards." |
| If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. BUT. . .. If it just sits in your living room, Messes up your stuff, Eats your food, Uses your telephone, Takes your money, And doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free. Then, You either married it or gave birth to it! |
| The Story of Every Man I'm not 40 yet but I see a pattern....... When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now almost 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits. |
| The First Affair There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there is no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time." The Second Affair A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, he was about to be cremated, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!" The Third Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." The Fourth Affair A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE PENNY!" exclaims the guy. The barman replies, "Yes." "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy "4 PENCE", he replies. "FOUR PENCE!" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business." The Fifth Affair Jack was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!" "I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you." |
| Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows,
Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor, Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, onto El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!" |
| A PIECE OF MY MIND: Close encounters of the fourth
kind They said to be at the airport two hours early--so I was. This was the first time I'd flown since the whole unfortunate incident last year and the first time I felt that security would really be looking for anything in my suitcase other than potentially embarrassing items they could wave in the air for everyone else to see. Don't get me wrong--I'm thankful they're finally taking this seriously--I just don't understand it when I see reports on the news that someone has gotten a handgun through security when I can't get through wearing a belt. So I got in a long and winding path to the security check which oddly took just five minutes. The first thing I noticed was that the security people were tiny. There are plenty of big, tough guys in Oakland, but they had managed to choose people who could have been mistaken for Keebler elves. Maybe they were chosen so more of them could fit in this small and confined space and the big tough guys were watching from above, ready to throw themselves on you. One could only hope. There was a big sign with an arrow that simply said, "Here" pointing down at a big hole in a big machine. It had the odd feeling of a Bugs Bunny cartoon, as if this was going to confuse Elmer Fudd into throwing himself into the x-ray machine. I thought it might not be such a bad idea to lay down on the conveyor belt and get a full-body x-ray. It could save thousands in expensive medical tests and increase the efficiency of the healthcare system. "Take a trip--and a test!" might get more people to the airport. I resisted getting on the conveyor belt, and put my one piece of carry-on luggage through. The machine promptly spit it out at me as if it tasted bad. "Ba bop bor bapbop" the woman behind the machine mumbled in a way only a bomb-sniffing dog could hear. I shrugged my shoulders and raised my hands in the silent international sign of "huh?" and she yelled "Take out your laptop" this time at a volume Jimmy Hoffa could hear. I thought I'd been so smart when I packed--I'd carry just one bag and it would contain all the clothes and technology I needed. It turned out my laptop, digital camera, chargers, cables and other techno-stuff took up more space than my clothes but I got it to fit. Now I had to open that bag and take apart the carefully assembled puzzle of clothes and cables it had taken me hours to artfully arrange. I put the laptop in its own little plastic hamper and sent everything through the machine wondering if there'd be any digital information left at the other end. I walked through the metal detector portal and set off more alarms than you'd hear on P. Diddy's Bentley. Then a tiny man with the metal-detector-wand looked at me as if to say 'is that a rocket launcher in your pocket or...' He told me to remove my belt, my watch and everything in my 16 cargo pockets as well as my shoes and deposit them all in a tray that was sent speeding down the conveyor belt towards a group of strangers who looked at my tray as if my wallet and shoes would go with their outfits. Somehow, without anything in my pockets or even a belt to hold up my pants, the metal-detecting wand was still beeping at me as if I'd swallowed a salad fork. This all culminated with the miniature security man lifting my shirt and waving the wand over my bare stomach while my beltless pants were inching down and his wand was still beeping. I realized I'd been turned into a floor show for the 120 people now in line and was only embarrassed when there was no applause. After all this, I got to the gate and realized I still had one hour 50 minutes to wait. After amusing myself by watching what people wore to get on airplanes these days (for a moment I thought I had accidentally stumbled into a sleepover) it was time to board. Right before walking the plank to the jet, a very large arm pulled me aside and the man attached to the arm informed me that I'd been "selected" for inspection. He made this announcement as if I'd been chosen by Bob Barker on the Price is Right and it was time to "come on down!" What it really meant was I once again had to remove everything from my pockets while they rummaged through my suitcase. While I knew the small foil-wrapped mint in my pocket couldn't possibly constitute a risk, the security person still eyed me in a way that looked dangerously like he was thinking "cavity search." Luckily, my iron stomach didn't make his wand beep and I was allowed on the plane, shoes, belt and all. I was relieved to know at least I didn't pose a risk to myself and was fairly secure in the knowledge that no one else had boarded the plane armed with anything more than a mint. Daniel Will-Harris http://www.SchmoozeLetter.com |
| Doctors' Stories: A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put them!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked her, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," she replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And of course, the best is saved for last: The Surgeon's Note: A young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered the Emergency Room. It was quickly determined that she had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep Off The Grass!" Later, in the recovery room, she found a note on her dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn |
| One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under-the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then the man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. By this time everyone had left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. However, the police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. With a smile on his face, the driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!" |
| Subject: Stick together Men!! THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because women who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her Intelligence? Divorced. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. Marriage is a 3-ring circus; Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault; My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power." Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son." A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember you wife's birthday is to forget it once. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. |
| Marketing Made Simple (If only they had made it
this simple in college....) You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and, pointing at you, says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag (after she drops it), offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition. |
| THE HOTEL BILL A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. " But we didn't use them ", the man complains. " Well, they are here, and you could have, " explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. " The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here, " the Manager says. " But we didn't go to any of those shows, " complains the man again. " Well, we have them, and you could have ", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, " But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check." But sir, " he says, " this check is only made out for $100. " " That's right, " says the man. " I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife. " " But I didn't! " exclaims the Manager. " Well, " the man replies, " she was here, and you could have. |
| A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds
one cold winter. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what The admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered... (scroll down) [This is great wait for it] "The teeth". |
| "I really don't know how the quarrel started. When I walked into the kitchen, my wife was trying to hammer a nail using the back of a scrub brush. All I said was, 'Darling, you're going to need something harder than a scrub brush to hammer that nail. You've got to use your head!'" |
| Tiny souls: God just loves hearing from them! Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have? --Amy Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. --Larry Dear GOD, If you watch me in Church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. --Mickey Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. --Nan Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? --Jane Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison Dear GOD, Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? --Lucy Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? --Anita Dear GOD, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? --Norma Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? --Jan Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in Church. Is that okay? --Neal Dear GOD, What does it mean, You are a jealous GOD? I thought You had everything. -- Jane Dear GOD, Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. --Darla Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. --Joyce Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am.) Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. --Tom L. Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Dear GOD, If we come back as something--Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. --Denise. Dear GOD, If You give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. --Raphael Dear GOD, My brother is a rat! You should give him a tail. Ha ha! --Danny Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. --Tom Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. --Dean Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. --Ruth M. Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. --Elliott Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. --Rob Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. He's just kidding, isn't he? --Marsha Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. -- Love Chris Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light! But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. --Sincerely, Donna Dear GOD, The bad people laughed at Noah-, "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. --Eddie Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. --Charles. Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. --Eugene |
| "Headstone" Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" |
| Mid-life is when the growth of the hair on our legs
slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. Mid-life has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film. Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?" The good news about mid-life is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it |
| --ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE... I LEARNED FROM BEING A CAT LOVER: --Eventually we all land on our feet. --Admire leaps of faith. --All the action happens at night. --Paws every day for a nice stretch. --You can die from boredom, but curiosity won't kill you. --Maintain good hygiene at all times. --There's only one boss and it's not you. --The best things in life are furry. --Live your life in the here and meow. --Cat hair is a wonderful compliment to any outfit --Fight stress by taking a neap every half hour or so. --An empty lap is fair game. --It doesn't hurt to stay out all night now and them. --When it comes to hogging the bed, it's a free-fur-all. --Sometimes things can get a little hairy. --Always keep a positive c |
